I just awoke from a late-morning dream, an unsettling episode;
It centered on one aspect of my life and my self: social insecurity.
I had a heavy heart, heartburn, regret, and embarrassment that showed.
I know that I definitely have not reached developmental maturity.
Cara was present with a tough, loveless, and unforgiving attitude;
Theresa was colder and more distant than she is in my waking life;
My old friend Bessie was reacting lukewarm, perhaps even rude;
It was like every other man there had a girlfriend, tryst, or wife.
Set at the unfulfilling Cal State, a formal affair at which I felt alienated.
Themes of aloneness, doubt, and a devastating lack of interpersonal success.
Capturing the searing feeling of social ineptitude I have always hated,
Unexplained anomie about the causes of which I can only guess.
I had not made a leap of faith about myself, and my social success paled;
My attributions were depressogenic and my self-thoughts quite negative;
Indeed, I awoke feeling somber about this familiar feeling I had failed;
At those times I feel so inadequate and embarrassed I don’t want to live.
My modus operandi is to escape from such situations so aversive and tight;
Thus providing some relief, but maintaining my learned helplessness.
But in this enactment I remained in this state throughout the whole night;
Despite my lack of love or sex at this party, I found myself undressed.
The men were shown as hostile; the women rejecting, cunning, and cold,
Just like my own beliefs and perceptions about the people I have known.
Unfortunately, this is a recurring feeling that is pernicious and old.
The unmistakable point of this unsettling dream: I am on this Earth alone.
This is the first of a two-part piece entitled “Loneliness”. The other is here.
Here is another poem you might appreciate.
“Loneliness, Part 1” © Jason Merchey 2000-2017